


In Too Deep

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Denial, Depression, Gen, Scars, Self Harm, Stress, Twins, YouTube, brooks brothers, mental health, self deprecation, self mutilation, self worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-10 04:17:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10428900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: "Hey, Lukey?" I heard my twin call as he once again walked into my room without knocking. I chose to ignore his presence just to teach him a lesson. "It won't stop bleeding and I'm starting to feel dizzy.""What?" That caused me to look up at him, and what I saw made my eyes widen and my chest tighten in fear. Jai was holding a blood-soaked towel tightly around his bleeding wrist. "Jai, what happened?!" I was immediately up and running to his aid."I had an accident, I guess." He answered vaguely. I narrowed my eyes at him as I rushed him into my bathroom and tried to stop the bleeding. He looked away when we made eye contact, so I knew he was obviously lying."Jai..." I whispered when I unwrapped the towel and got a good look at his wrist. It was obviously self-inflicted, there was no denying it. "You wanna tell me the truth?"





	1. Chapter 1

"Hey, Lukey?" I heard my twin call as he once again walked into my room without knocking. I chose to ignore his presence just to teach him a lesson. "It won't stop bleeding and I'm starting to feel dizzy."

"What?" That caused me to look up at him, and what I saw made my eyes widen and my chest tighten in fear. Jai was holding a blood-soaked towel tightly around his bleeding wrist. "Jai, what happened?!" I was immediately up and running to his aid.

"I had an accident, I guess." He answered vaguely. I narrowed my eyes at him as I rushed him into my bathroom and tried to stop the bleeding. He looked away when we made eye contact, so I knew he was obviously lying.

"Jai..." I whispered when I unwrapped the towel and got a good look at his wrist. It was obviously self-inflicted, there was no denying it. "You wanna tell me the truth?"

"I...sometimes I get a little sad so....I just sort of cut the feelings away." He answered before shooting me a fake smile. I pressed down harder on his arm with a fresh towel. The bleeding had slowed down significantly, but it was still slowly oozing.

"I don't even know what I want to say..." I trailed off as the bleeding finally stopped. There were just so many thoughts running through my head and I couldn't comprehend any of them. 

"Then don't say anything and I'll just leave you to it." Jai suggested before trying to make a sneaky getaway. I reached up and caught his shoulder before he could. There was no way he was getting away with this.

"You weren't trying to-" I was going to ask him if he was attempting to end his life, but he quickly cut me off before I could finish my sentence.

"No, Luke! Never." He said quickly. I could tell he was being completely honest, and I let out a breathe I didn't even know I was holding. "It's nothing, Luke. Really. I just accidentally cut a little too deep this time. That's all."

"I don't understand. Jai, when did this happen?" It was becoming too much for me to take in. My twin brother self-harmed behind my back.

"I don't remember. A few years ago, maybe." He answered with a thoughtful look on his face. He spoke like it was no big deal. Like it was just an everyday occurrence to find your twin brother with a gashed open wrist. I don't know how Jai was being so calm, but I was honestly terrified.

"Years!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah. It's not a big deal." He made eye contact with me. "I get stressed out, Luke. A lot. And, I just don't know how to deal with it. This helps. It's how I cope."

"This isn't a good coping mechanism, Jai!" I yelled before forcing myself to calm down again. "Look, if you're depressed we can get you on some medication or something."

"I'm not depressed, though." Jai argued. How was slicing into your skin on a regular basis not being depressed?

"You're not?" I blinked.

"Nope." He chuckled at my confusion. "I mean, yeah, I do get sad sometimes, but so does everyone. I mainly do it to relieve the stress I get everyday. Plus, when I do get sad, this fixes it."

"You can't do this Jai." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I'm your twin, just talk to me when you feel that way."

"Nah, I'm good." He refused, taking me by surprise.

"What? Why?" I questioned.

"Would you have noticed something was wrong if you hadn't of seen this?" He asked me. I thought about it. I couldn't honestly say that I would have. Jai seemed like one of the happiest people in the world once he opened up to you and got past his shyness. I never even noticed him get upset to the extent that he felt the need to do this to himself.

"I don't know." I answered. 

"My point exactly." He poked the tip of my nose teasingly, before leaving my room. 

I was left alone with my thoughts. Could I help someone that didn't want to be helped? Was it possible?

I didn't know, but I would help Jai whether he liked it or not. 

I cleaned up my bathroom of the blood and threw the stained towels in the trash. Pulling out my phone I decided to text Jai.

"Hey, I just want you to know that I love you. I know I kind of freaked out on you, but just know that this doesn't change a thing." I texted to my twin. I knew it would irritate him slightly, but I needed him to know that I cared. I knew Jai. If you didn't let him know you loved him occasionally, he would stop believing that you really did.

"Ok. That's nice." Came my twin's sarcastic reply.

Great. He's shutting me out. That's just what I needed. I don't know what to do!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: it might seem like I'm bashing self-harm in this, but I'm not. Luke simply does not understand it and I'm trying to stay in that mindset as I write him.

The next day, Jai avoided me. I don't really understand why, though. We're twins and we should be able to tell each other everything. I always whine to him when something is bothering me. I guess I always took it for granted that Jai never really complained.

"Jai!" I decided to yell through the house until he was forced to talk to me. "Jai! Jaaaaaaa-" I was cut off from my yelling by a hand harshly slapping over my mouth.

"What do you want, Luke?!" Jai hissed. Oh yeah, I had made him angry. 

"I want to talk to you." 

"Well, I don't want to talk to you." 

"Well, I could always tell Beau about a certain something." I threatened, knowing it would work. He flinched back at my words. He obviously didn't want our obnoxious older brother to know about his secret.

"Fine. C'mon." Jai jerked me up by my wrist and dragged me into his room. I looked around, finding it way cleaner than I was expecting. Usually it was an absolute mess. I could faintly hear Elvis playing in the background. That was never a good sign when it came to Jai. 

"How's your arm?" I decided to ask immediately.

"Really, Luke? That's all you wanted." Jai monotoned. "Here! Look for yourself!" He shoved his sleeve up, letting me see how bad the damage truly was. It was worse than I thought it was, but less than it looked. He had deep scars everywhere on his arm. There was a thick bandage that looked like it had been haphazardly wrapped around his wrist.

"Here, let me see." I tugged him closer to me and started to unwrap his bandage before he jerked his arm back in frustration. "Jai?" I questioned.

"I don't want you to see it. It's too disgusting to even look at." Jai wouldn't make eye contact with me. It confused me slightly. One second he was perfectly fine, the next he looked like he was going to cry. "Just please try to forget about it, Luke." He begged.

"Jai, what's going on with you?" I asked him. This wasn't my twin. Sure, he had almost the same face as me, but I couldn't recognize him in this moment.

"Nothing!" His face contorted in pain and he took a step away from me. "Maybe I just want you to leave me alone."

"Haha. Very funny, Jai." I Laughed again what I thought was a joke. 

"I'm serious, Luke." Jai's eyes started to tear up.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't know." I started to pull him into a hug, but he just pulled away.

"I'm not in the mood right now, Luke." He whispered, staring out his window.

I nodded slowly before turning to leave. I didn't know why he suddenly seemed so different, but then I realized this is the way it's always been. Jai's always been selfish and a problem, I only became concerned because I learned he self-harmed. It was pretty selfish of him to cut himself. Did he even wonder how our friends and family would feel if they knew about it?

Later that night, we were having dinner with Beau. Jai hadn't really said much, and to be honest I don't think he was even paying attention to our conversation. Sometimes, I don't even know what to do with him. It's like he can be normal for awhile. Like he's almost a good person. Then, he'll do something like this. Where he's just being overall difficult.

"Have you started sleeping again, Jai?" Beau suddenly asked, looking concerned for Jai. Had I missed something? Since when had Jai not been sleeping? He loved to sleep.

"Huh?" Jai blinked, suddenly paying attention again. "Oh yeah. I'm fine, Beau." He then went back to stabbing the food on his plate.

"You sure? You seem a little off..."Beau trailed off. How did Beau of all people notice something wrong with Jai, but not me?

"Well, Mum over there was harassing Me earlier." Jai pointedly looked at me. Sometimes, I forget just how evil he truly is.

"Mhm. I'm not getting into that one." Beau chuckled. I tried to make eye contact with Jai, but he turned his head away.

"You're really gonna be like that?" I had tried helping him, but he obviously couldn't stop being a jerk long enough to accept my kindness. He shot me a glare. I swear!

"Sorry we can't all be perfect like you, Luke." Jai sassed. "Some of us actually enjoy being decent human beings instead of isolating ourselves from society and watching chick flicks all of the time." Where did that even come from?

"That was a good one, Jye!" Beau cackled, causing both of us to glare at him. "You left him speechless!"

"I'm done." Jai surprisingly was the one to get up from the table first. It was weird because he had just won the argument.

"You've barely even touched your food, though." I yelled after his retreating figure. Beau gave me a sad look.

"Just try to understand him, Luke. He's having a rough time right now." Beau spoke kindly to me.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked a little irritated that he knew but I didn't.

"I don't know. Something just hasn't been right for awhile now."


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up to find Jai hovering next to my bed. That was odd. It didn't seem like he knew I was awake, either. What to do? What to do? I decided to just wait and see what he was going to do. 

"Luke, I'm sorry." Jai whispered, obviously thinking I was asleep. "I'm sorry, but I can't be a decent human being like you want me to. I can't stop cutting, and I see no reason to." Jai was crying by now. He reached out and started to stroke my hair. Sometimes I really don't understand my brother. Why can't he tell me this when he thinks I'm actually awake? 

"Jai, what are you doing in here?" I asked him, sitting up and yawning. Jai yanked his hand away from me in shock. He obviously wasn't expecting me to wake up. His eyes were wide as he stared down at me.

"I-I...I don't know." Jai stuttered. He turned and looked away from me. I could see a look of confliction on his face. "I just...I don't know."

"What's going on with you? Come one, Jai. I need you to talk to me." I begged my twin.

"Do you ever feel like you're not worth it?" Jai asked me suddenly.

"No. I can't say I do." I narrowed my eyes in thought. "Do you ever feel like that?"

"Yes." Jai gasped out. "Sometimes I just want to disappear because I know I'm not worth it and I never will be."

"Um." I ruined the moment we had been having. I didn't know what to say to that. How was I supposed to cheer him up when I didn't understand?

"You don't understand and you never will. That's why I cut. It's the release I need. It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning just for a little bit."

"I get it. I'll stop harassing you about it," I bit my lip. "Just promise me you'll stay safe, and if you ever do want to talk to me I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Luke." Jai smiled. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Yeah. Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me, we both need our sleep."  
-  
We were filming a daresundays video, today. That much I knew. What we were doing, I couldn't tell you. Beau and Daniel were arguing worse than I've ever seen them argue before. It was really stupid. It was over who vomited 'the best'. I had no idea what they meant by that,  but the fight had been going on for at least 20 minutes now. 

Jai was laughing hysterically. Every now and then he would jump into the fight and throw in a point that had everything and nothing to do with it just to see how long they would go at it. It was weird how much he was enjoying this, but then again he always has been kind of demented.

To tell the truth, I thought it was weird that he was able to laugh so much considering he self-harms on a regular basis. That type of behavior fits in more with someone who was always crying. It just wasn't my brother.

"Lukey!" Jai cheered, running up to me.

"Yes Jai?" I still didn't understand how he was so happy.

"Look." Jai held up his hands to show me that he had taken both Daniel's and Beau's phones. He really was a little devil in disguise. 

"Should we leave them a little message on twitter?" I asked chuckling at the two oblivious boys that were still fighting. Jai's mouth turned up into a smirk. He handed me the two phones and told me to aim the cameras at him and start recording.

"Hey Beau and Daniel!" Jai smiled happily. "So, right now you two are arguing about who can vomit better, whatever that means." 

"Oh so I'm not alone in being confused by that." I said.

"Nope it's pretty weird." Jai nodded before continuing. "Let us know if it's just a twin thing or if Beau and Daniel are just weird!" Jai did a thumbs up at that. "Anyways, you guys tell me not to leave my account open, what a shame. Anything to add Luke?" Jai grabbed the phones from me and pointed them in my direction.

"You better watch out Beau and Daniel! If we don't start filming soon, me and Jai are gonna get you good!" I shut the camera off and posted the video to both their Twitter accounts. "What was that all of the sudden, Jai. You usually don't go out of your way to prank them like that?"

"Don't know. Just felt like it." He replied, not making eye contact. "I just feel like I'm on top of the world right now and nothing can stop me." 

That was weird to hear coming from my brother. Jai is cynical even on a good day. I raised my eyebrow at him but he was already running away. There's so much going on that I don't know about. That's for sure. I don't know what it is, but I know now that I'm going to find out!


	4. Chapter 4

We never did get to film the video we had planned on filming. Beau and Daniel made up, but by then Jai was sick of waiting and had left. I was going to go with him, but I decided against it. He obviously didn't want me to hover right now, so I was just going to give him his space.

I honestly don't know what was wrong with Jai. He was acting strange, but normal at the same time. It was weird. He was laughing a lot and just seemed to be over-energetic if that was possible. I chose not to worry about it, but I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I needed to worry. 

"Beau I'm leaving." I informed my older brother. "This was pointless. I could've been editing a video or watching Netflix at the moment instead of just wasting time."

"Lukey wait!" Beau called to me, stopping me in my tracks. "Can you keep an eye on Jai tonight? I'm not going to be home, and he's been acting really weird lately?"

"Don't worry so much, Beau." I reassured him.

Honestly, though, I had no idea what was wrong with Jai. One second he happier than I've seen him in a long time, the next he's so depressed he has to resort to self-harm.

I don't even recognize him anymore. It's like the things that make him Jai have been stripped away, and that really scared me.

I made my way home, only to find Jai laying in my bed with a face devoid of emotion. He looked so broken in that moment, and I felt so lost. My brother had become a shell of what he once was and I never noticed until it was too late.

"What are you doing in here, Jai- Jai?" I sat beside him on my bed and gave him a worried look.

"I don't know?" He said it more like a question than anything else. "I just feel like you're going to leave me."

"Why would I leave?" I was so confused. Jai had gone from not caring about where I was or what I was doing to feeling like I was going to abandon him.

"I don't know Luke! Okay?" Jai suddenly screamed, taking me by surprise. "Is that what you want from me?" 

"I don't want anything from you, Jai. I'm just trying to understand you. You've been weird and a little off for a while now."

"Have I?" Jai blinked. He bit his lip like he was deep in thought.

"Yea you have. Is there something you haven't been telling me about?" I asked.

"Yes." Jai put his head in his hands. "No there's nothing wrong."

"There is isn't there." I didn't let up. Jai lifted his head up to look at me with a sad smile that was so obviously forced. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. One of the benefits of having a twin is you have someone that will never judge you."

"You wouldn't understand this, Luke." Jai looked at me dead In The eyes. That's when I saw it. The hopelessness and frustration lurking inside mirror copies of my own eyes. There was something very wrong with Jai. 

"Did you cut again?" I couldn't stop myself from asking. He looked away from me in fear.

"Yes, but it scared me when I went that deep last time so now I'm doing it on my thighs." Jai answered, surprising me. I didn't expect him to be honest with me about this.

"Why don't you just stop?" I suggested. Jai glared at me in result.

"Because it's the only thing I can rely on."

"Thanks." I quipped, unable to stop myself. Jai immediately stopped talking after that. Every time I tried to say something, he would ignore me and just lay on my bed. I didn't know what was wrong and I couldn't fix it if I didn't know.  
-  
Imagine having the perfect family. Now imagine having that blow up in your face within seconds. Well, that's what happened to my Mum today. I wasn't actually home at the beginning of it, but when I did come home, my Mum and Jai were in a screaming competition. Jai never really actively caused trouble before. At least in front of Mum. I think part of it was because he was her favorite and the baby of the family. 

"I don't care what you have to say Jaidon!" Mum yelled as I walked in the door. Wow! She pulled out the Jaidon card, that never happened.

"Sorry I can't be perfect like Lukey over there. What he has to say always matters, doesn't it?" Jai yelled, causing my face to go white.

"Jai you know I didn't mean that..." Mum's voice was smaller than I've ever heard it. What had I just walked in on?

"You know what? I don't care. Not anymore. You should of just...I don't know...gave me up and kept Luke or something. It's obvious you think I never should have been born now, isn't it!" Jai yelled causing me to snap. I walked right up to him and slapped him across the face. Hard. His head whipped around from the impact of it.

"Exactly who do you think you're talking to!" I yelled in his face. He ignored me and ran up the stairs. I could faintly hear the sound of stuff being thrown and kicked around, but I chose to ignore it. "Are you okay, Mum?"

"Yes sweetie. Jai was just being difficult." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Jai...I just found out about something Jai didn't want me to know about." She hesitated. "Anyway, I better go check on him."

"Let me do it." I insisted. She was reluctant at first, but she gave in at the end.

I went up to Jai's room and knocked. There was no answer. I rolled my eyes. He was probably just ignoring me. I pushed his door open, only to find his room was a total wreck. There were things broken and kicked around everywhere. I noticed his bathroom light was on, so I made my way over to it and let myself in.

Jai was sitting, fully clothed, in the bathtub with water up to his ankles. We was cradling his knees to his chest and his eyes had a glazed, far away look to them. The only word I could think of to describe him was broken. Honestly, I was terrified just looking at him.

"Jai." I called out to him, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. His eyes snapped up at me immediately and I could see tears in them he was refusing to let fall. "What happened down there? It's not like you to go off on Mum like that."

"She found out I haven't been sleeping lately. She started lecturing me like a 5 year old and I snapped." Jai explained. "I didn't mean to. I'm just so tired."

"How does she even know when you sleep?" I was confused.

"Beau." Jai supplied, explaining everything.

"That explains it, but why haven't you been sleeping?"

"I just can't sleep." Jai shrugged.

"You want me to stay with you tonight and see if that helps?" 

"No. I don't want you to!" 

"Calm down! It was just a suggestion." I sighed. "Can you at least get out of the tub before you get sick?"

"I'm not going to get sick."

Sure you won't, Jai. Sure you won't.


	5. Chapter 5

I was right. Jai did end up getting sick. It's what he gets for not listening to me and living in a tub of cold water with clothes on. 

I walked in on him puking his guts out the next morning, when I went to check on him. He was only wearing boxers and I was clearly able to see most of the damage he inflicted on his thighs. I didn't understand what would make a person do that to themselves. I was quickly growing frustrated at my own thoughts as I watched Jai heave into his toilet again.

"Luke. I don't feel good." Jai whined, sitting up. I chuckled at how miserable he looked. Jai tried to stand up from the floor, but only ended up falling backwards again. I rushed to catch him and he mumbled out, "Really. Don't. Feel good."

"I know, Little Jye." I couldn't help but tease him. He tried to glare up at me, but only ended up looking like a kicked puppy. I couldn't contain my laughter any longer. Jai's head tipped over onto my shoulder in a groan as I helped him get back to bed. I hurriedly tucked him in and told him to go back to sleep. He shut his eyes and I waited a minute before trying to slip out of the room.

"Hey Luke..." Jai called out, stopping me in my tracks. "Can you stay with me."

"Of course, Jai." I turned back around and sat down on the floor next to his bed. It was silent, and I started to think he fell back asleep.

"Do you ever feel like you just shouldn't be here?" Jai's question both startled me and sent chills down my spine. 

"Jai, if you're implying what I think you're implying then..." I trailed off.

"I am." Tears started to fall down my twin's face. "It's just sometimes I feel like no one actually wants me here. It's stupid, but I just feel worthless and like I should just disappear for good to make everyone happy."

"Jai, no. You can't think like that." Now I was crying to at this point. "It's not stupid. We all love you so much. I know that I would be absolutely lost without you in my life. You're not worthless. You're an amazing person, and I'm proud to have you as my twin."

"I'm just not enough." Jai sighed before drifting off to sleep. 

I couldn't believe what Jai had just told me. It had taken him getting sick to tell me, but I finally learned more about what was wrong than ever before. Jai had always pretended he was fine when he really wasn't. It was my job to make sure he couldn't do that anymore. 

I had been too lenient with Jai's self harming. I can't exactly make him stop, but I'm his twin brother so I'm sure I can find some way to stop him. I couldn't get the image of his thighs out of my head. They looked absolutely destroyed, and had scars everywhere. Each little scar was a moment that nobody was there for him, and honestly that's kind of sad.

If you think about it, there are millions of people in the world. We have thousands of fans included in that. Yet, there's not a single person Jai feels like he can go to when he needs someone the most. He couldn't even go to me, his twin brother. Or even Beau. Beau may not be the best brother, but he cares and would do anything for either of us. Jai didn't go to either of us, though. He chose to find a friend in a blade. A piece of metal that's only purpose at that moment was to hurt him.

It makes me feel bad since I was just in the next room. I could've stopped it. I should've been there when he needed me most, but I wasn't.  
-  
"What's your deal?" I was at the table thinking about what I wanted for lunch when Beau came in.

"Nothing." I sighed, food probably wasn't a very good option right now.

"Luke. Just tell me." Beau did a funny face to try to make his eyes look wider and I couldn't help but laugh.

"It's just...I have this friend." I started. I glanced at Beau and saw that his attention was focused solely on me. "My friend is depressed and I don't know how to help them. Every time I try to they either shut me out or lie to me and say that they're fine. What should I do?

"Just be there for them. Try not to get frustrated, because I'm sure this isn't any easier for them. Above all else, don't give up on them. If you give up on your friends, then that's what causes them to give up on themselves." Beau spoke wisely. It wasn't often I asked my older brother for advice. On the rare times I did, he magically had the answer like he had already put thought into it and knew what I was going to ask.

I couldn't give up on Jai. If I gave up on him, then he would just stop fighting. I couldn't let that happen. I had to be there for him whether he wanted me there or not. It definitely wouldn't be easy, but I knew I had to do it. I couldn't lose my twin. Not when he's already lost himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Talking to Beau had really given me a new perspective. If I gave up on Jai, then he would eventually give up on himself. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't really rely on Beau 80% of the time, but he still came through for me when I needed him. 

Jai was not okay. That much was obvious. He might say he's just stressed, but that's a lie and he knows it. I made my way back up to his room to check on him. I had slipped out of the room when he fell asleep to try to clear my head. I didn't know what to do, and what my twin brother told me really threw me off guard.

I opened his door silently, expecting him to still be sleeping. I was surprised to find him wide awake with his blankets almost smothering him. He seemed to be chewing on his lip, and he had a far away look in his eyes.

"Jai?" I asked hesitantly, moving to sit next to him on his bed. He was struggling and that was clear.

"No." He whispered. "I've already told you too much. I don't want to say anything else."

"We're twins, you're supposed to let me in." I chuckled.

"No....I'm just stressed out. There's no real reason to let you in." Jai said with such an honest expression that I didn't know what to say.

"You honestly don't think you're depressed?" I asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm not depressed." Jai said sincerely. He was obviously in denial and I didn't know what to say to that. What are you supposed to do when you're twin brother cuts himself on a regular basis and claims to be fine?

"If you're not depressed then stop cutting." I blurted out, causing Jai to freeze.

"You can't ask me to do that!" Jai yelled.

"I can and I will. I'm your twin brother so that gives me he automatic ok on it." I yelled back.

"I'll never make it without cutting." Jai ground out.

"Yes, you can make it!" I reassured him.

"NO, I CAN'T LUKE!" Jai surprised me by yelling louder than I've ever heard him yell before.

"Okay. I'm sorry." I apologized. He was clearly upset, so I put my arm around his shoulders to try to hug him. He immediately flinched at the first hint of contact. Jai knows that I would never hurt him. I'm actually a little hurt that he would act like I was going to.

"Can you just leave?" Jai pleaded. He had look in his eyes, and with a sinking feeling I realized exactly why he wanted me to leave.

"Why? So you can just sink a blade into your wrist as soon as I'm gone?" I was angry, and I know I shouldn't of said that but I couldn't stop myself.

"Yeah, Luke. You're totally right. Because you know what? I hate myself so much that I crave sinking that blade in all of the time, but I can't exactly do that with you hovering like this!" Jai yelled before his eyes became flooded with tears.

I slapped him.

"You can't say things like that." I whispered. "It's not possible to hate yourself and not be depressed."

"Fine maybe I am depressed, but that's none of your business. Just leave already!"

And I did something I shouldn't have. I left. I left and basically gave up on my twin brother.  
-  
Jai wouldn't talk to me the next day. He actually wouldn't talk period. Beau tried his hardest to make him laugh during breakfast, but Jai just sat there not talking. Not even eating. It was hard to watch, but it was all my fault.

"Come on, Jai." I whispered, dragging my twin out of the room. He went without argument. "What's wrong? Why aren't you talking?"

"Don't wanna." He mumbled out, staring at the floor. He looked pale and he had deep bags under his eyes. It looked like he hadn't even slept a bit.

"Why not? Please, Jai. Just give me something." I begged.

"I've never cut this much before." Jai said dazedly. I immediately lunged and grabbed one of his arms, yanking his sleeve up. I almost gagged at the sight that greeted me. What used to be milky skin was not covered in bright red cuts with not a sliver of unmarred skin left.

"Jai, what have you done?" I shrieked.   
He   
"I don't know. You left when I really needed you the most."

"You told me to leave.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I shouldn't tell you things like this." Jai started to close off again.

"No, I want you to tell me this kind of stuff." I reassured him. I needed to know what he felt and why he hurt himself.

"Why? So you can tell me how stupid I really am? Or I know. You could give me anther ultimatum about how I live my life!" Jai was obviously very upset.

"I'm sorry. It just kills me knowing you hurt yourself like this." I explained. "You're my twin brother. We've basically been a package deal from the womb. If you were to go too deep and die, then I don't know what I'd do."

"Luke, I-" Jai was cut off by Beau being Beau again. 

"Jai! Do you wanna build a snowman?" Beau sung out loud. I had to roll my eyes at his antics. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he was just trying to harass Jai. That wasn't true though. Beau cared deeply for both of us, even if he didn't always show it. I don't think Jai actually realizes his much Beau cares for him.

"Beau, can you just leave me alone already!" Jai shouted in anger. "Luke's bad enough. I don't want to deal with you on top of that."

"What's up with you lately, Jai? I only want to help my baby brother." Beau furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. I knew better than to get into this fight. It could end badly on both sides.

"I'm just stressed out. That's it. I'm stressed out and I need some space." Jai was close to tears, but Beau didn't seem to notice that. He kept on pestering Jai.

"Are you doing drugs? I can get you into a good rehab program if that's the case. Getting high may seem like the right answer, but it's not! You need to be smart, Jai. Like Luke over here. He would never resort to something as bad as drugs." Beau chastised.

"I'm not on drugs!" Jai defended himself.

"Then, what's your excuse? You've been nothing short of a selfish, moody dog the last few months." 

"It's called waking up wanting to die every morning and wishing that maybe someday I'll get my wish and actually be dead!" Jai screamed outraged. He was out of breathe after screaming. He stood there panting heavily until it finally set in exactly what he had said. Beau and I stared at him wide-eyed.

"Jaidon Brooks, if you think for one minute that I'm actually going to let that happen then you have another thing coming!" Beau promised. "Mum is definitely finding out about this, by the way. I can't believe you!"

Beau left us both standing there as he went to search for our mother.

"I'm sorry." Jai whispered from beside me. I turned to look at him. He had his hands covering his face, but it was obvious to me that he was currently crying.

"Jai, come here." I brought him in for a hug. "Let's go up to my room for a bit, yeah?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to give kudos and comment. I need to know if people actually enjoy my work and the extra motivation doesn't hurt either!


	7. Chapter 7

By the time we made it to my room, Jai was full-on crying. I knew that I needed to calm him down if I wanted to talk to him anytime soon. I pulled my blanket off of my bed and wrapped it around him, knowing from experience that it would calm him down.

"Jai, talk to me." I spoke calmly, not wanting to scare him away.

"I'm sorry." He cried, shaking his head. "So, so sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Jai. Beau's just a huge jerk. You know that." I tried to soothe him.

"It's my fault, though. It's my fault our family isn't happy. If only I wasn't so stupid then things wouldn't be this way!" He whispered, playing with his fingers.

"That's not true!" I gasped. "We all love you, Jai. Never forget that."

"Your love doesn't mean a thing if I can't love myself." Jai whispered.

"You...you don't love yourself?" I asked, finding it hard to believe my twin hated himself.

"If you were me, then you would be disgusted too."

"Is this why you've been so depressed-"

"Not depressed." Jai cut me off. "Stressed and self-conscious."

"Why are you stressed and self-conscious then? You look like me and I'm gorgeous, so why would you be self-conscious?" I reasoned.

"It's not so much looks as it is personality." Jai responded."Luke, leave me alone already. I don't feel like talking about this anymore."

"But..." I started, before trailing off. I realized it was too late. Jai had shut me out again.

-

When Jai stopped talking to me, I decided to go find Beau and talk some sense into him. Jai was hurting and Beau had only made it worse. He didn't mean to do it, but sometimes he just had a way of hurting Jai when he was at his most vulnerable.

"What was that!?" I questioned loudly when I finally found Beau. "Our little brother told you a secret and you freaked out on him!"

"Did you know?" Beau asked simply. I bit my lip guilty. I knew, but I chose not to do anything about it.

"Of course I knew. He came into my room one day after he accidentally cut too deep." I answered honestly.

"And you didn't do anything?" Beau growled.

"I'm trying to, but he shuts me out if I'm too persistent. He claims he's only stressed and he cuts as a stress reliever." I supplied. Beau looked at me in disbelief.

"And you believed him?!" Beau shrieked. "Luke, you know better than that. Jai's your twin. He knows how to talk his way around you better than most people. You can't let him do that with something this serious."

"It's really not that serious." I didn't even sound convincing to myself. "Jai's not suicidal or anything and he's careful when he cuts for the most part."

"Luke, you can't honestly tell me you actually believe the nonsense that's coming out of your mouth" Beau stared at me. "Jai has a problem and whether you choose to see it or not, he needs help."

"B-But Jai said-"

"Listen to me carefully... Jai is manipulating you!" Beau interrupted me. 

"I...what do we do?" I sighed in defeat. Beau shot me a sympathetic look. Jai was his little brother, but he was my twin brother. It was naturally harder for me, since Jai and I have practically been a package deal our whole lives. 

"I don't know, Luke. We'll figure something out." He reassured me. 

"Ok I'm going to go check on Jai."

"You don't need to..." A voice from the doorway said painfully. I turned my head to see Jai in the doorway looking extremely guilty. 

"Jai, are you okay?" I asked, voice laced with concern. 

"Yeah. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything I've done." Jai refused to make eye contact with either of us.

"Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?" I asked worriedly. Jai raised an eyebrow at me and let out a nervous laugh.  

"Because you worry too much, obviously." He reasoned. 

"What about me?" Beau asked straight-faced.

"Well, I know you don't really worry about me, so it's fine. Luke is basically a mother hen, though." Jai explained, causing Beau's face to fall.

"I do worry about you, Jai. More than you ever know." 

"Sure."

"Jai, I'm not letting you cut anymore." I let out, making an impulsive decision. He was my brother, and it was about time I actually really did something about his self-harm. "You shouldn't be doing it. It's not healthy and I won't lose you."

"You know what, Luke?" Jai chuckled, "I thought you actually cared, but now I guess not. Come talk to me when you quit being such a jerk."

I watched my brother leave the room in silence. I turned to Beau. He had a proud look on his face, but at the same time he seemed sad.

"That's what needed to be done, Luke. Don't let him get to you." Beau comforted me. I nodded slowly.

"What now?" I looked down at my older brother, waiting for him to supply me with the answers I needed.

"Find his blades and take them, to start. Maybe try to find out the real reason he cuts." Beau said thoughtfully.

I wasn't prepared for what I was about to do at all.


	8. Chapter 8

"LUKE ANTHONY MARK BROOKS, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" Jai's voice rang throughout the house. I gulped at the noise. I hadn't wanted to, but I had searched Jai's room and taken all of the sharp objects I could possibly find. The amount that I had found completely terrified me. He had some form of a sharp object in every hiding place I could possibly imagine. 

Jai finally ran into my room panting heavily. He looked extremely angry, and honestly I had never seen him this angry before. It was worse than when I completely snapped at people and that could be bad at times.

"Where are they?!" Jai questioned angrily. I decided to play dumb even though we both knew that I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Where is what?" I asked. Jai eyes seemed to blaze with anger and the fire only grew with that statement.

"Stop Luke! You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where are the things you stole from my room?" 

"Oh the blades?" I stated non-chalantly, "Yeah, those are gone. I made sure to get rid of them."

"You what?" Jai seemed to deflate slightly.

"I'm serious when I say I'm not going to let you hurt yourself anymore." I said with finality.

"It's not your decision to make!" Jai snapped before he started to pace around the room. I rolled my eyes at how ridiculous he was being. There was no reason for him to be getting this worked up over a few flimsy blades.

Jai eventually started to tug on his hair and hyperventilate. I sat up straighter at this. My eyes widened as I realized my twin was having a panic attack in the middle of my room. I silently walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. Jai fought against me at first, but eventually he stopped fighting and melted into the hug.

"I need to cut, Luke." Jai whispered brokenly to me. "I need it so badly right now."

"I know, Jai, but you'll get through this. Just try to fight it." I smiled at him.

"You don't understand, Luke. I can't survive without cutting. I'm afraid of what I might do permanently." Jai admitted, making my body freeze and send shivers down my spine. Jai had better not be insinuating what I thought he was.

"You don't mean..." I trailed off not being able to say the words.

"That I'm slightly suicidal?" Jai laughed through his tears, "Guess I forgot to mention that."

"You can't leave me, Jai." I left no room for arguments. Jai was my twin brother. My other half. The only person that really understands me.

"I know, but maybe I have to." Jai smiled sadly before leaving my room. 

I was left alone with my thoughts after that. I couldn't help Jai if he didn't actually want my help, and that thought alone absolutely terrified me. I had never known before that Jai was slightly suicidal, whatever that meant. He had always seemed so happy on the outside. Was it even possible for him to slowly be breaking on the inside without anyone noticing?

I hated the fact that I had no idea what to do. Jai didn't want my help, so I couldn't help him. I wanted so badly to, but I couldn't. I almost thought that it was a mistake to take away his blades, but I knew that it had to be done. He was stress-cutting because he felt like he had no other option. I knew one thing based on that. I couldn't help Jai on my own. I needed to get others involved. I needed to get Beau and my Mum involved.

Beau already knew, so I decided to talk to my Mum. I knew for a fact that Beau had chickened out and hadn't told her about Jai, so that was exactly what I was going to do. Jai couldn't keep doing this, and I knew that he was the biggest Mumma's boy out of all three of us. He was the baby, even if it was just by two minutes, so I knew that there was a chance my Mum could help.

"Hey Mum?" I called knocking on her door. It took a few minutes, but she finally opened her door.

"Can this wait, Jai? It's three in the morning." She yawned.

"Actually it's Luke, not Jai." I corrected her. Sometimes I honestly thought that people only guessed whether or not it was me or Jai they were talking to. My Mum blinked her eyes and stared at my face for a moment.

"Of course you're Luke." She sighed. "My little Jai never talks to me anymore. He hates his mother, but my Lukey would never hate me." 

"Jai doesn't hate you Mum." I sighed, "That's actually what I need to talk to you about. There's something seriously wrong with Jai and I don't know how to help him."

"What's wrong with Jai?" My Mum asked worriedly after dragging me into her room and making me sit on her bed next to her.

"This isn't easy for me to say, and when he finds out I told you, Jai is going to hate me." I started.

"Jai could never hate you Luke. You're my twin boys and if Jai trusted you with a secret this big, then nothing you could ever do could ruin that trust." My Mum smiled reassuringly at me, rubbing my back.

"Okay." I took a deep breathe. "Jai self-harms and I can't make him stop no matter how hard I try."


	9. Chapter 9

"What do you mean?" My Mum's face had turned pale after I told her the truth about Jai. I know that this was hard for her to accept, but it's what needed to happen. Jai needed help whether he wanted it or not. 

"Exactly what I said. Jai cuts himself. I took all of his blades away, but that only caused him to have a panic attack and now I don't know what to do." I explained. My Mum pulled me into a hug in response. 

"I know you blame yourself right now, but you can't do that sweetie." She told me. "Jai has always been different, more sensitive than you or Beau. To be honest, I should have saw this coming a long time ago.  Thanks for telling me, Luke."

"What now?" I asked her. She smiled up at me.

"Try to be patient with him."  
-  
"You told Mum..." Jai stated after he basically tried to knock my door down in the process of coming in. "How could you do that to me? Do you have any idea how much I hated myself when she was practically crying in my room because of me?"

"I did what I had to." I stared him in the eyes as I said that. He looked away, not being able to hold eye contact.

"No you didn't. I'm perfectly fine Luke. You just worry too much." Jai argued, staring at his shoes. I frowned. It was almost like Jai didn't even realize he had a huge problem. That's what this was. A huge problem.

"If you were fine then you wouldn't feel the need to slice your wrists apart." Jai flinched at my word choice, but that didn't go unnoticed by me.

"I don't slice them apart..." Jai mumbled, barely above a whisper. I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed his wrist tightly in one hand and yanked his sleeve up quickly with the other.

"What's this then? There are scars everywhere Jai." It was really bad to even look at. It was obvious to me how bad this truly was. There were deep, raised white lines as well as red and pink and grey scars littering his entire wrist. I was almost positive that his other arm was in the exact same condition.

"I...it's nothing Luke." Jai looked away, but I could clearly see the tears welling up in his eyes. I placed my hands on his shoulders and forced him to look at me.

"You have a problem, Jai. It's okay to admit that and get help." I soothed my crying brother. We may be twins, but Jai had always been the more sensitive one. 

"I don't deserve help, Luke. Not anymore. I'm a horrible person and I'm always so mean to you and Beau without meaning to." Jai cried.

"Easy there. It's okay. We're brothers, fights are going to happen. Plus, sometimes Beau really deserves what he gets as much as he teases you." I admitted. "Just stop crying. You're going to be okay, now. I'm here for you now."

"What if I can't do it?" Jai spoke up. "What if I can't stop cutting? Would you still love me if I became a complete failure?"

"Jai," I whispered, my heart breaking at how vulnerable he sounded. "You're my twin brother. I'll love you no matter what you do."

"I still don't want to be a disappointment." He muttered.

"You won't be. You have me now, and I'll never let you give up on yourself ever again. That's a promise."


End file.
